And So, the End Is A New Beginning

March 18, 2010

I write what the fuck I feel and when I feel death, I write about it. When I feel life,, I write about that. Yesterday, I write about the certain death of an organization I love, because it will revert to the antithesis of the founders belief’s.

A great man, who I love so very much send me on a path to explore myself and do good for those who can’t. I have never equated success with money,  but I also know there are those who judge a book by its cover,, and here we are in the present-day.

I see a tremendous conflict in the beliefs of someone who has devoted his life to justice being torn apart at his very soul,, knowing that the idea he created must survive,, yet how?

The preaching continues against the oppression, yet the survival of the organization must depend on the very existence of the thing this great man spends his time hurting in the name of justice.

Sadly,, we all go and in the end,, the only possibility to carry on this magnificent dream is by utilizing the corporation,, the most evil of all mechanisms invented by those in power,, save and except the churches,

How must that feel being torn apart by those very principles argued against for a lifetime. Yet there is another way,, one that doesn’t violate his principles,, one that is utilized quite frequently.

There is a family limited partnership that could be formed among the rather large family that is gathering,, (the tribe,, if you will) , with family members be given shares to each one.

This is not a corporation,, but an entity that serves the good of all the members,, and allows direct and proper communication and input by all,,not just the “select few” who have been chosen to take this wonderful gift and brilliant idea into the life beyond the founder.

I’m just a dumb ole country lawyer,, but dammit,, this will work,, it will answer questions of the alumni and allow a proper board,, better interaction and a more complete integration of the ripple in the force.

In the end,, this idea will be tossed aside as frivolous, stupid, idiotic, impossible,, and a thousand other excuses,, but the organization will die without change,, because the principle of the founder is against the corporation,, he just didn’t say a damn thing about family limited partnerships with alumni family members as limited partners.

You see, I love this organization,, but I see and feel death coming on,, unless a change is made. I hope someone will read this ridiculous post and live forever.

Peace

Why Is It That Men With Great Egos Destroy What They Create?

March 17, 2010

I’m just a dumb ole country lawyer, but I notice things that others might not. I feel things that others might not be aware of and I hear things others don’t. I mean I hear the real emotion behind the words they speak,, not just some gobbly-gook they spew from their mouths.

I feel where others must analyze,, I work backwards instead of forwards and I, just different than others,, see things others don’t see. For instance, some may see a cloudy, overcast, dreary, slow morning,,, where I see and feel the softness of the air,, complete with the sprinkling of drops of moisture slowly bathing my skin.

I see the beginning of another beautiful day,, when others have to go to fucking work to slave for “the man” for a dollar and a gold watch. I see beauty in the darkest moments and sometimes dark in the most beautiful moments. I wonder if I’m alone?

So,, it seems to me that this fine morning in Dallas,, I set a wandering to healthy camp,, and begin to realize my destiny is awaiting me,, whatever it may be. As a young child I accomplished most everything I dream or am programmed to do,, yet nothing,, no satisfaction,, no rewards,, just emptiness in my soul.

I have spent 1/2 or more of my time on this ball of dirt I call earth and I still seek questions. I still journey,, and seek fulfillment,, I seek me. The healthy things I do are helping me get closer to my self,, to my destiny,, wherever the fuck that may be.

I see so often the fear of dying in others,, yet I am wondering if I will be missed or just gone forever,, like a grain of sand on the beach,, or if I will be remembered for eternity,,, well at least till the next day after I’m gone.

As I write this nonsense,, I ponder how it must be for those who have achieved their greatness,, will they be remembered forever? Will their legacy remain in tact,, or will it destruct in the wind like a house made of straw in a tornado.

Sure, sure, there are those who will have the best intentions in the world to remain a complete force in keeping another’s dream alive,, but will it ever be the dream the “one” created,, or will it be the molding of the dream to fit the other’s needs?

I feel pretty damn certain that’s why people do what they do,,, the dream they create,, is often destroyed by them,,, knowing they can’t advise from beyond the realm of the physical world.

Others may seek to do the bidding of the “one”,, but it can never be the “one’s” creation the moment the “one” ceases to exist. It can only be the interpretation of the”one’s” idea,, never original or unique again.

Documents over time that remain are the constitution, the magna charter and playboy magazine,, (thanks Hugh),, but in the end,, time is running out for those who create something meant to last forever,, a great man who has a great idea,, can only take it as far as the existence of the great man,, the it becomes a mindless, meaningless,, non-living thing,,, a fucking corporation.

Sure,, management may change,, but once the creator is gone,, the existence of the passion and idea is gone.

Look at the bible,, the words live on,, but do these “cults” really interpret the good book they hold so highly and dear in the proper way,, (i.e., how we ,, our organization,, interprets it)?

So, in the end of days,, the great men know the idea dies with them and must be destroyed,, least it turns into something no one  ever wants,, a fucking non-living corporation,, with mindless, meaningless tasks performed by those whose vision is less than revolutionary,, it ceases to exist once the creator dies.

I wonder if my creation will live past my life? I wonder if my deeds will be carried on,, or if when I go,, this fucking blog stops?

Peace.

Wow, It’s Travel Time

March 16, 2010

It’s time to travel to Houston then Dallas today. I am still hurting from the mersa and hope all is well for all, however, just for me today,, it is all one big blur. I am in pain, tired and over extended.

That’s all, just tired, over extended and in pain. I have to travel today and do not look forward to that aspect of my journey.

May peace be with you today and everyday.

I’d Just Like To Know,,,,

March 15, 2010

I’d just like to know exactly what happens when an immovable object meets an irresistible force?  Is it possible that the dynamics of both create nothing?

I mean, just think of positive and negative,, alone and separate,, they are very powerful,, but together they are nothing,,, they neutralize each other.

So, what happens when an object meets a force,, nothing.

Now, I write this nonsense this early morning knowing damn full and well no one will get what I am writing,, except those who know how to find the hidden clues and meanings in words and symbols.

The cryptologists will spend hours doing their magic and the numerologists will send days practicing their arts,, and the result will still be nothing. There ain’t no secret hidden meaning in this post,, or is there?

Nothing from nothing equals nothing. Nothing times nothing equals nothing. Maybe it is nothing I seek.

I have another answer,, nothing. Why work so damn hard when nothing is the result? Why not play?

I’d just like to know what in the sam hell this has to do with trial,, nothing,, or does it? I mean, if the end result is nothing,, then the beginning and middle don’t matter and nothing is achieved,, right?

So, if nothing is achieved,, then nothing is ventured,, nothing is gained and nothing is entirely the same.

I’d just like to know if nothing means nothing? If you are in a forest and a tree falls in New York,, will it make a sound?

If you can understand this,, you have nothing,, but isn’t that everything?

I often wonder why nothing is everything and everything is nothing?

And here’s another damn thing,, nothing.

So in the end,, nothing. It’s over,, and nothing remains.

I am certain that in trial,, nothing is important,, nothing lasts forever and nothing can never be lost if you have nothing.

Sometimes,, having nothing means having it all. Peace be with you or nothing.

I Know The Answer

March 14, 2010

I know the answer,, it’s the question I always have trouble with. It seems as I journey through life, the forces that be are constantly pulling at me or pushing me into a different direction than I usually want to go.

As I awaken this morning, I notice that I’ve not gotten much sleep, that the tasks in front of me remain uncompleted and the process is unwinding and unfolding for me over and over again.

I see a beautiful place being put together with less and less conflict, turmoil and more love than ever before,, (a re-parenting,, if you like),, and I see growth, healing, encouragement and fun.

I am enjoying my every waking moment as I start this new day with the hope that in the end,, I’ll be better and the world,, big or small, will be nicer, kinder,, and gentler.

Somethings are better left unknown,, perhaps it is not wise to know the question,, just to be present and know the answer should be enough for all.

I guess in my feelings,, I always want to know the questions also. Why? Why? Why? Is it because logic has taken my youth and wasted it on someone other than myself? Is it because I have not wanted to grow? Is it because of another thousand or more reasons I at one time or another place into my head,, or is it simply because I know the answer.

Knowing the answer is a blessing and a gift,, but it can be a curse. I did not understand how until I recently try to reason with an expert instead of accept and just feel. I have always felt that in the end,, the answer is all that matters,, lately I wonder if the question shouldn’t be also.

To some reading this garbled mess of English,,  the answer is never enough,, the search for the question is to be followed for the search for the answer. Just for me,, the answer is always there,, it’s the question I need help with.

I am remembering a time not so long ago when I am living in Houston and seeing business signs off one of the freeways,, I remember that there is one sign in big gigantic red letters and it says “The Answer Store”. Often times in conversations with others I would simply tell them I knew where the answer is,, a truth on my part,, I just never told the truth that I haven’t got the slightest fucking idea what the question is.

I feel today the way I feel,, I know the answer,, I just don’t know the question.

In life, I find that living in the moment provides the answer,, not living in the distant past, or uncertain, unknown future,, just be present and be.

Peace be with you always.

Kind, Honest and Specific

March 13, 2010

I must write some letters today to those that I need to release from my life. I do not enjoy this task, but it is necessary to complete me.

I find in my journey that some people just can not be in my ” inner circle” and have difficulty accepting me for who I am,, warts and all. For some damn reason,, I really don’t care much for liver,, yet I taste it. To me, it means I don’t have to eat it on a daily basis,,, it is enough just to have tasted it.

I can not begin to tell you the number of people who cross my path in life with their stories and journeys and how I react to each one,, I can just say that I must set boundaries for me.

Sometimes, people who I know and accept for who they are, refuse to allow me just to be me,, they must figure me out,, analyze me,, find faults and it seems as if their whole live is built upon mistrust, deception and lies. I don’t want to spend the energy necessary to maintain a contact with those people if all they do is drain me dry. I won’t anymore.

My drama is my trauma,, at least I’m working in the core of my traumas,, others don’t,,, they just drain energy from me until  collapse. I will not do that very act anymore.

So to those I must part ways with,, I remember the beauty that originally drew me into your world,, I remember the  wonderful times we had together,, I remember the fun, the laughter, the enjoyment and pleasure of getting to know you.

I can’t stop there,, I also know the recovery and growth for me is not having you in my life anymore. I can not grow and go where I need to get with you involved in my life anymore. Your path is different than mine,, just as my journey involves me and my own growth,, it won’t involve your journey. I must leave the common path and take another road in a different direction and you can not go there with me.

I will no longer call you or be a part of your life,, it is time for me to go,,,, may peace be with you and your journey complete.

Damn Computer And Memory

March 12, 2010

Damn this computer and its memory. I upgrade, and this damn thing doesn’t work.

So now, it is time to take this memory back and get it done right.

Until later,, when I write again,, peace be with you and the computer will work.

Peace.

A New Day Dawns

March 11, 2010

So it is written today that this is the beginning of a new day. As I awaken to the sounds of the birds chirping,, the flowers emitting their scent and the faint, but ever-present  humming of nature,, I am remembering a day,,, not long ago when the sun rose and a friend of mine didn’t.

It doesn’t matter to those that read this nonsense, theoretical, real or not,,, whether my friend is human, animal, plant, earth, energy, or the very essence of love,, what is important is the friend is no longer here.

I am saddened by the departure of this life force and realize that one day, I too will pass,,, pass into the great unknown beyond the realm of this feeling, seeing, touching, smelling, tasting, hearing world,, and some theorist will not comfort me in that journey,,, let alone explain it.

I often wonder how it must feel not to breathe, to love,, to be alive,, and then it hits me like a fucking jack hammer. Why not just be? Why not just be?

I suppose there are those who must have every detail of everything explained to them,, but how do you explain the beauty of ice? How do you explain the cool wetness of an ice tea on a muggy, humid day?

How do you explain the “great beyond”? Must you analyze it,, or can you accept it? It is. It just fucking is. Why do I need an expert to tell me how to attempt to reproduce?  Why do I need a  scientific explanation of the very act of copulation?

Perhaps a porno film would be a better porno film if the narrator used scientific theory to explain the process of the very acts depicted on the large screen,, perhaps those that watch the film don’t. I am not judging the expert,, I simply asking the expert on the witness stand to scientifically explain the act of copulation with the proper physics applied and the “Newtonian” theory of neurotransmitters properly and scientifically applied to this very act of copulation.

Damn you theorists,, just fucking experience life,, not analyze it. Explain to your mate,, if you are present with one, the scientific basis for the attraction between the sexes and the scientific theroies required to complete the act of copulation and see of your mate,, suddenly and miraculously disappears,, or maybe not.

As I feel it,, I live it. As I read it, I don’t always understand it. Show me,, don’t fucking explain to me,, is this judging?  I challenge each and every one of you to scientifically within the realms of accepted theory explain the very act of copulation,, then see what happens.

Perhaps those who are in their heads will prefer to be in their body and experience more scientific acts of copulation,, , perhaps not.

In the end,, it doesn’t matter,, the birds are chirping,, the sun is rising and I’m feeling it,, not fucking explaining it.

Peace be with you always.

It’s Hump Day

March 10, 2010

Well, I often don’t know why people call it hump day,, perhaps it’s because they want to hump, but for what ever reason,, we now have “hump day”.

I often wonder what other days we should have,, how bout Margarita Monday? THC Tuesday,, Hash Wednesday? Thai Stick Thursday? Freaking Friday? Slamming Saturday,, and my favorite on that prodigal day of rest,,, Sin Sunday?

Why is it that we as a society have to label something, someone, and if we don’t label, classify them or fit them into a particular theory of study,,, explained by the many “experts” in the world,, there is something wrong with that person?

I learn more form animals and children that I ever do from some educated, highly diplomaed person, who is in “theory” and has their head up their ass. Perhaps theory will explain how the fucking bullet kills you instead of running, or shooting back,, and then what the fuck good is “theory”?  JUST FUCKING LIVE LIFE,, DON’T LABEL IT, EXPLAIN IT, RATIONALIZE IT, OR TRY AND MENTALLY FUCK IT,, JUST FUCKING LIVE IT AS IT COMES.

I am surprised that labeling is accepted and so many theories are also. I mean,, is there global warming or is there not global warming?

If you’re such a fucking expert that knows everything,, then why do you not know your ass from a hole in the ground,, mr. or ms. expert?

For me,, truth is in the moment,, never judging,, just fucking accepting. I don’t ask that you read some fucking book and then understand everything there is to know,,, all I ever fucking ask is that you be present and in the moment,, not labeling,, not judging,, just accepting.

Is that too much to ask from you theorists?

Peace,, or does that need to be labeled, explained, categorized and fucking analyzed?

I Have Some Very Heavy Lifting To Do Today

March 9, 2010

It’s something I run from damn near every time I get into this position. It seems that I have an extreme difficulty in saying no,, and mean no,, to someone asking for my help.

I am a trial lawyer,, and I am me. for whatever reasons,, my brain is wired to help,, maybe it’s the childhood trauma issues I deal with over and over,, (a paper cut at 3 days old,, only cutting more than paper),, or other childhood issues,, but nonetheless,, I struggle with my issues as I journey through life.

I am no longer homeless,, living on a park bench, an abandoned building and other places is no fun and I now have the greatest admiration for those that do. I can not believe that the homeless people are homeless by choice,, hell it happened to me,, can you leave room for the possibility that it can happen to you?

Anyway, today, I have to speak the truth to some that I’ve been carefully distancing myself from,, I have to speak my truth. It may and probably will hurt them when I speak my words and show my feelings to them. It is time again to go deep into myself and find the next level in me that makes me tick,, and I do that next week for a whole week.

I am living on this ball of dirt I call earth and I know that in time,, I will pass. I will journey over the great energy field and do not to wish to disturb it as some quantum physicists say they do.

I guess it’s difficult for me to break the chains of bondage that helped me survive in my life and start new patterns,, I guess I just need to be present and accounted for,, not remembered,, but witnesses,, not hurtful,, not hateful,, but full of love. I guess it’s time to put my man panties on and man up.

The disease I suffer at my root is more difficult than my alcohol or drug addiction,, I do without those substances,, I can’t do without love and relationships,, can you?

Peace and may you understand that I now must do what is best for me and not please the “pretty people”?