I Have Some Very Heavy Lifting To Do Today

It’s something I run from damn near every time I get into this position. It seems that I have an extreme difficulty in saying no,, and mean no,, to someone asking for my help.

I am a trial lawyer,, and I am me. for whatever reasons,, my brain is wired to help,, maybe it’s the childhood trauma issues I deal with over and over,, (a paper cut at 3 days old,, only cutting more than paper),, or other childhood issues,, but nonetheless,, I struggle with my issues as I journey through life.

I am no longer homeless,, living on a park bench, an abandoned building and other places is no fun and I now have the greatest admiration for those that do. I can not believe that the homeless people are homeless by choice,, hell it happened to me,, can you leave room for the possibility that it can happen to you?

Anyway, today, I have to speak the truth to some that I’ve been carefully distancing myself from,, I have to speak my truth. It may and probably will hurt them when I speak my words and show my feelings to them. It is time again to go deep into myself and find the next level in me that makes me tick,, and I do that next week for a whole week.

I am living on this ball of dirt I call earth and I know that in time,, I will pass. I will journey over the great energy field and do not to wish to disturb it as some quantum physicists say they do.

I guess it’s difficult for me to break the chains of bondage that helped me survive in my life and start new patterns,, I guess I just need to be present and accounted for,, not remembered,, but witnesses,, not hurtful,, not hateful,, but full of love. I guess it’s time to put my man panties on and man up.

The disease I suffer at my root is more difficult than my alcohol or drug addiction,, I do without those substances,, I can’t do without love and relationships,, can you?

Peace and may you understand that I now must do what is best for me and not please the “pretty people”?


3 Responses to “I Have Some Very Heavy Lifting To Do Today”

  1. Rosanne West Says:

    you cannot please everyone all of the time not even the “pretty people”

    It can get tiring trying to to that……

    great blog!!!!

  2. Gemstone City Gal Says:

    As you and probably your regular long time readers know I am not one to give my daily opinion on things, so today I can not in good conscience be your cheer leader. However what I can do is share encouraging and hopefully uplifting thoughts from an authentic, inperfect human being (like myself) whom I deeply respect. The excellent author is Pia Mellody, in her book,”The intimacy factor”, She writes (pardon my loose summarization and allow me to quote freely,,, “you cannot “nice” someone into a relationship. When you are being nice to a person instead of being real, you are not in the truth of who you are. You are being manipulative, creating the illusion of a relationship disguised behind the “mask of nice”, since the mask of nice does not offer truth and intimacy, it is non relational”;

    I believe when one is real (in their authentic self) one can demonstrate ones true feelings without allowing the pain (within oneself/or others) to overcome the love intended if/when the intention of love is pure. Pure-no alterior motive.

    Often we humans react out of our patterned or past conditioning and we do not intellectually challenge our responses we strenthen the conditioning.(happens in negative conditioning too),,, However if we consistently challenge it we eventually remove it. Thus we begin to get better all the time. It sounds like you are on the road to doing more of that soon. I feel your desire through your daily words.

    Pia also speaks of “the importance of not guessing the other persons motives, when one person in a “relationship” does so, one is saying that their own thought process is better than the other persons and most of the time the other person doesn’t even know what his or her own motivation is.”

    My life experience is showing me that human connections [all things] are good when one is real with oneself first and then our inner beauty begins to shine forth. “Healthy people attract healthy persons.” The AA Maxim reminds one: you are as sick as your secrets”. Showing up and simply being present may not be the only way. It takes effort and lots of hard introspective work and a willingness to take risks and leaps of faith to see ones “spiritual strength” flourish. Spirituality being ones own higher power which is discovered when one experiences their own sense of authenic-self. Manifested through their everyday interactions in ALL relationships, and carefully alligned within boundaries.

    I admire you for your strength in character to take a stand for your self today, it sounds like “boundary work” and boundaries are something that one can use as filters to better manage incomming or outgoing responses. You are respected for that! Also, Boundaries are something we all could learn to cultivate and exercise better. They are what lead us to the core of our (true) being. I am so working on this! and it looks like you are too.

    Then and only then can one begin to develop apporpiate love and real intimacy in realtionships; –which I define as a mutal connectedness FOUND withIN freinds. Therein lies no hurt, simply honesty and truths. Within apporpiate boundaries friends can be at a level of intimacy. FRIENDS not acquaintances –someone I occasionally gather with, as in with clients; Rather a true freind– someone who I care enough to remain authentic with no matter the time, distance, nor when I last saw or spoke to.

    May you find what you are in search of within YOURSELF first, I wish you love, and happiness in life –Always! My dear friend Paul.

  3. Gemstone City Gal Says:

    ok so I made a few type-o’s sorry, my secretary is off today! LOL!

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