I’m Just Sad

It’s thanksgiving and I’m feeling sad. It’s been a few months since the divorce was filed and everyone says it will get better. I remember quite a few years ago, this happened to me before when a girlfriend and I broke up. I felt horrible.

I remember thinking about her and imagining how much fun she was having now that she was shed of me.  I remember thinking thoughts that are better left in cyberspace, but most of all I remember the hurt.

I remember the hurt as it cut my soul to its quick and then bled over and over. I remember the outpouring of tears and how I damn near drank myself to death, yet somehow, later, I got to feeling better. I got sober and I often wonder if my life had been different,, what would have happened?

I swore I’d never let myself get in that position again, yet I did. I suppose that I see this pattern repeating itself in my life and after the first two hard breakups, another breakup. I remember getting better because I did not have the anger that I did in the first or second breakup.

The anger in the third breakup was directed at me and not her. I wonder if I’ve progressed or not. You know, after almost 20 years of marriage, it still hurts. Sadness is a part of me that will never be covered up,, the wounds never completely heal and the scars still remaining will be caked over with new experiences.

I am certain that my life will undergo changes and in the end, the soul will be stronger. It’s not the starting over that hurts,, it’s the loss of my identity,, my dreams that kill me ever so slowly.

I am blessed to be able to start over with just a business card and a computer. I know that at any time, my retirement may walk into my life and I can regain all that I once had in a heartbeat.

The one thing that is the most devastating of all is the loss of my dream. Even though it may be a nightmare,, it still is none the less my dream.

I often wonder why the sadness is in my life and then I realize,, it’s because I have the immense compassion that very few others ever will feel. With that extreme compassion, comes the extreme hurt,, and many other emotions. It’s like a roller coaster, the incredible emotional swings I experience.

I am realizing that is my gift to the world and with it comes my pain, cutting to my very soul. I can’t change the emotions I feel, I feel what I feel,, I can just change the environment.

I hope you readers never know the immense pain I feel, but then again,, you may never feel the immense pleasure and love I feel for all. Peace.

 

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