There’s Just So Fucking Much Work To Be Done On Me

I am alone in a group of my family members with whom I call the tribe. It is scary as I know most of these warriors,, yet,, there’s so fucking much work to be done on me. I don’t like the intense self examination of my very being,,,, my reason for my existence on this great big ball of dirt I call earth,,, but I must explore the deepest, darkest secrets inside me.

I go deeper and deeper into me and I see things that have been buried for years and years and years. All the scars and emotional pains of times so terrible that I thought I would never survive,, yet I must look at it face to face,, touch it,, sit with it in solitude,, in public,, in a safe environment and learn the real me.

Buried deep inside my very soul are these feelings,,, yet they are a part of me,,, a part of me that must get out and be seen,, be examined and be experienced.

As I work on the horse and not buying a fucking saddle that’s just looks so pretty,,, I am preparing for battle in the arena. Law is the only arena where you can still be a world champion when you are 80, (thanks Gerry).

As I go deep inside me,, I will know me and my fears and when we meet in the arena,,, will you look at your deepest darkest secrets or run and hide? A warrior can not win their battles unless they look into their own mirror and see themselves,,, will your “lawyer” do that?

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3 Responses to “There’s Just So Fucking Much Work To Be Done On Me”

  1. Gemstone City Gal Says:

    Dear Paul,

    I read your blog daily, sometimes wondering why a guy would dare to bravely expose such raw truths to the world. Sometimes I LOL at your words and other times I’ve cried at the depth of your soul. Although I cannot relate to your specific experiences at times; I admire your tenacity and determination in self awareness. You are not alone.
    Until today, I realized YOU ARE A VERY RESILIENT person! You are inspiring to the world. Your words have encouraged me today to contiue to work on my horse not my beautiful saddle. I get you now. I too am progessing through my own journey in “transition land” this town is a scary place to walk through but I hear the town next to it is awesome. Maybe sometime I can meet you meet you there. Meanwhile, Thank you for being you. Ride on with the wind!

    • paul2413 Says:

      I am constantly amazed at the number of people who are on that journey. that you again for the lovely comments.

      Paul

  2. Deborah Nun Says:

    Aren’t you ever grateful to have lived through those terrible times you describe? I empathize with your memories of painful wounds, permanent scars that hold all the details of before, during and after the injury, and trying to escape the pain by self medicating. what have what gives you the abilty to empathize with others who are or have battled that monster so they can talk to you openly about what they would not talk to someone who can’t or won’t relate, and often see themselves as superior because they fail to realize the substance abuse is merely a symptom of the actual disease. I know a bunch of really fucked up, corrupt people who think they have it all together because they are financially successful, well connected, and socially respected. They do not believe it matters how they got there or stay there. They are truly unfortunate to be asymtomatic. They seem to be chronically critical of something- anything but themselves.
    Moving on:
    I was given Gerry Spence’s book ‘And Justice For None’ many years ago. The first time I saw him on CNN, I thought he was one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. After I had this nightmare of being dropkicked into the world of law I reread his book, and found his short stories on line. I remember writing the law office in Wyoming on a particularly traumatic, tearful, painful day. I am sure I sent some garbled lunacy via email. God bless them theyactually sent me a response letter by postal! My Texas Senators and Representatives haven’t even bothered to do that!
    Happy Birthday, Gerry Spence. I wish you were in Texas.
    Final coment:
    Please tell your fellow lawyers that no matter what else they are willing to do for themselves or clients, PLEASE draw the line when children are involved. Had I been allowed to speak my feelings at my parents divorce, my life would have been so very different. …But I was just part of the list of properties, expenses, adult private topics that kids were best kept out of and far less work for the grown-ups when they remain silent-(.. which is exactly what led to my being prescribed librium in 5th grade, so I would not show the world how shattered I was..)

    P.S.
    I hope your biopsies came back negative. If you mentioned it, I missed it. Thank you for blogging. It is a pleasure and encouragement to read what a good hearted, country lawyer has on his mind. No matter what it is about, it makes me feel like I have felt after reading Gerry Spence, strangely, unexpectedly comforted.

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