It’s 3:00 A.M., The Dogs Are Howling, and I’m Fixing to See What’s Up

What the hell is going on? Those damn dogs decided to howl and there ain’t no moon out tonight. I’m up because they woke me up and I can’t figure out what’s out there. Maybe its some coyotes and these dogs think their indoor pack is a match for the coyotes, the tricksters.

Maybe we’re under attack by Indians coming to steal any horses we got. Maybe its burglars trying to break in. Whatever the hell it is,, I can’t see it out there. I’d better go out and investigate this noise making party the dogs are engaging in. I’ll walk real lite outside so the 2 legged and 4 legged varmints won’t hear me that are out there. Maybe I’ll get my pistol to see what’s there. You never know when you might have to shoot something.

I suppose I could threaten to sue whoever or whatever is out there. Maybe if I roust the local district judge up outta bed this early to sign any injunction papers I draw up,, he won’t be so mad. I’m sure he’ll understand that any attack today must be met with swift and overwhelming legal pleadings written on high grade bond paper, even if it requires his signature at 3:00 A.M.

I suppose I can wake up the neighbors to form a posse to get whatever is causing this racket. We’ll all get on our modern day horses,,, you know the 4 wheelers, and meet at the Henson place to trail these invaders. We won’t stop till the women folk and children are safe. Word will travel fast around here,, what with that modern day telegraph,,, you know the cell phone.

I’d better get the camp cook up to fix us a mess of grub,, you know the local Dennys, so we don’t starve on our expedition. We’ll have to make a dry camp on our journey, so that the raiders won’t see our campfire and know we’re trailing ’em. It’ll just be a few of us, because some have to stay and guard the homes in case the raiders decide to burn us out.

Life out here on the prairie ain’t for the soft at heart,, it takes a manly man’s man to live like we do. Ain’t nothing but a few frontier women folk hardened by life without a spa and a few of us real cowboys,, (without horses) riding the western line protecting the big cities from those invaders.

Hell, we might even find out that it’s Jessie James or some famous outlaw fixing to rustle our horses or chickens and then we’ll put an end to his reign of terror. You see, us defenders of Justice will forever rid the country side of the vermin that prays on our women folk and children,, we will ride until we catch all the outlaws and make this country safe for everyone. It is our mission and our task,, one in which we will not fail.

I’d better go saddle up the horse,, (gas up the 4 wheeler) and let the women folk know I’m heading off to an uncertain future. As I get ready to leave,, one of the women folk pulls me into her embrace and kisses me ever so slightly,,,  (damn this kissing seems awful sloppy). Hey wait a minute,, what’s that noise,,, damn, it’s the alarm going off,,, and that kiss was Pocahontas licking me to let her out… Ah crap,, it’s time to get up.

Now then, how in the hell are you going to relate this to a jury trial? I’m not,,, I’ll let you all figure it out. Have a nice day,, I’m off to fix fence.


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