Swine Flu Preparations at the Ranch

Here at the ranch, we take swine flu preparations very, very seriously. After all, we’re in Texas, near San Antonio and we have a shitload of wild hogs. It don’t take much to realize, we’re a prime target. So what’ll we do? I mean, we’ve got to do something to get ready for this Armageddon. It’s only a matter of time before we all fall prey to this horrible disease.

I first follow the plan instituted by the British Government,, I monitor all email, all internet usage, including facebook, and all phone calls. (See today’s BBC News Home Affairs Reporter, Dominic Casciani) I don’t know why that will help, but maybe it will,,, I know it certainly can’t hurt. Next we sanitize everything in sight. Baby, my dog kinda looks at me like I’m crazy,, but I have to run him through the dishwasher just in case. I wipe down everything I can think of with hospital grade ammonium and follow up with rubbing alcohol and then hydrogen peroxide,, then lysol and a healthy dose of windex. I spread infrared lights everywhere I can to burn the virus out, then I seal the entire place air tight with industrial strength plastic. I put on my respirator and get one on Baby too.

I guess I’m prepared as I can be. Next we catch one of those swines running around,, probably a messenger,, and try and determine his priority level. We first begin by questioning him and keeping him up all night and day to find out the source of further infestations. When we have limited success with that method, we begin water boarding him. I know that some of you don’t believe in water boarding, but it has had great success. We have diverted several swine flu attacks because of this and we even know that one of the Ranch’s talk radio show hosts has volunteered to be water boarded to show it’s not really torture.

We will be successful in determining where the next concentration of swine flu will be. You all don’t know this yet and I ain’t supposed to tell you,,, but what the hell, this is the next terrorism attack. It’s in a form of a virus, not a bomb. Anyway, back to the mass panic,, I begin to see several signs posted around the ranch,,, warning those cows not to go out into the pasture without their chemical suits on,, and we’ve had to shut down several calf schools because of this outbreak.

We’ve gathered about 200,000 cans of soup and enough water to flood a small town all in preparation of this epidemic about to befall the United States. The Ham radio station is ready to go. We’ve prepared the on site medical facility,, you know, we’ve gotten in extra band aids and aspirin and neosporin all in preparation of swine flu. Bottom line,,, we are prepared,, are you? My goodness,,, the things homeland security will do (invent) to get police powers.

I wonder what would happen to America if a real biological attack occurred? I honestly don’t believe that we could deal with it. Anyway,,, the chances of a biological attack here aren’t as high as say where there are more people in a very concentrated area,, say, New york or Chicago, or any other large city,, but this flu can spread and spread quickly.

I suppose the 1900 influenza epidemic killed many, many more people than this swine flu will ever do,, at least I hope so. Also, the medicine today is a hell of a lot better than way back then.  The point is simply this,,, sometimes your jurors are fueled by a fear that is in the news this very second and you can’t do a damn thing about it,,, maybe, just maybe it serve your client well to talk about that fear and how you relate to it. Have a nice day,, I’m off to oversee Baby in water boarding a new captive swine to help protect America.

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4 Responses to “Swine Flu Preparations at the Ranch”

  1. jigmeister Says:

    Need to quarantine your ranch and maybe all of Texas.

  2. Swine Flu Symptoms Says:

    Great post! I read your other posts as well and I subscribed to your RSS Feed!

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