Snake Killing

Well, it’s that time of year again,, time when we at the ranch go round up and start killin rattlers. I don’t know about you, but there’s not much good I can find in a rattlesnake. I suppose that some snakes serve their purpose,, but overall, I just simply don’t care for snakes.

I see some chicken snakes and I’m okay with them,, they help keep the rats and other deadly snakes away. Butterball the cat and his siblings just ain’t doing their jobs, so we need something that will keep those damn snakes away from the doors, windows and especially me.

Anyway, it’s time to go on a rattler roundup. I’ve started early this year, because I want to be very successful. In order to go snake hunting, you pretty much need just one thing,, a shotgun. I can hit just about any snake with a shot gun and today ain’t no exception. Today, I have chosen a smaller guauge shotgun,, a 410.

Now the 410 has an unusual name,, snakecharmer, and it really does its job. I begin my quest for freedom from snakes by going where the snakes should be. I find rocky dens and areas of cover, like near the base of mesquite trees, that the snakes tend to hide in. Also, since it’s dewberry season, the snakes are in the berries, so my righteous quest goes there.

I find several snakes today, and let them know who’s boss. I’ve never seen a snake outcharm or outstrike a 410,, it just ain’t gonna happen. So anyway,, on with the hunt.

I find my first victim in a rock patch and dispose of it quickly. I find my next victim in the barn and down it goes. On an on the shooting goes until I feel relieved that I have made a significant dent in the rattler population on the ranch.

Justice is swift and final for the enemies of our way of life at the ranch. We must destroy every rattler on the ranch, so that their beliefs won’t pollute our mainstream values. They must all be executed without delay, an all out jihad against our mortal infidel enemies. Our way of life is threatened by these infidels and they must go,, end of story.

Our talk radio station at the ranch preaches endless stories about the infidels and their misbegotten beliefs. Our talk radio tells us without end that the rattlers are a direct threat to our way of life and it is our sacred duty to eliminate our antagonistic enemy. We will triumph against those who will terrorize us and cause us harm. The infidels have even been known to attack innocent children and women folk. They must be all eliminated from the face of the earth.

Those that don’t join in our eternal righteous crusade must be punished. Those that don’t think like we do, must be labeled as unGodly and unAmerican, for they truly are. Those that support sanctuary for the rattlers must be thrown into the pit with the rattlers to live among them and let them see how it is.

Our talk radio whips us into a frenzy with emotional appeals to boycott those who don’t join in our cause. Those who believe different than we do are outcasts. Those pro-snakers,, well, they’ve just got to go. We must win the war against snakes. Those that don’t see it our way are no better than the infidels, those that don’t listen to our talk radio and agree with us are well,, elitists. Terrorists. AntiChrist. We must get the message out, over and over again,,, we are fair and balanced, we will even have some of those liberal pro-snakers appear on our show and report about their efforts to bring understanding about the rattlers. Our listeners will brand them terrorists, idiots, liberals, and even in favor of big government. Our smart listeners will know those pro-snakers are nothing more than idiots, (and whatever else we want our listeners to be told and what to think).

Don’t they know that the only good snake is a dead snake? I’m sure these peace loving pro-snakers will want to bring snake values into our classrooms and corrupt our youngins with their teachings. We can’t have that. We must tell the world over and over again that our set of beliefs is the only right beliefs. No one else can think any differently than us, or we will exclude them from our world.

WOW,, I wonder if some beliefs start out that way? Now, how in the hell are you gonna deal with that in voir dire? It may not be the “snake jihad”, but it might be “frivolous lawsuit” or “criminals have more rights than victims”. The point is you’re never gonna change these ideas ingrained into our jurors’ heads, so why try?

What if we use the extreme absurd principle to our benefit? I suppose then that we should hang all those who even looked at a snake. Does anyone feel differently? Have a nice day, I’m off to pick berries.


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