Board Certified in Hog Hunting

I recently became a hunting guide. I know that doesn’t sound anything like a being a lawyer, but it really is. There is a big difference though. I wait in line and then pay my hunting lease fee, (hunting guide license). I am now a hunting guide officially licensed by the State of Texas. Oh sure, I train for a long time getting ready to be a guide. I mean something like 3 years of my life to prepare to do this endeavor.

I can now take money and allow people to hunt on the ranch. I really don’t have to even be with them while they hunt, but I really need to be just in case.  It seems that advertising has ruined this profession by allowing all sorts of unscrupulous guides to advertise. There ought to be regulations on this kind of advertising. We need some association that can regulate us and our ads. I personally do not want those TV guides taking over the market, you know, those ones with the hired actors that guarantee results and have names like “Texas Hunter”, or “Tough on Varmits”, or my favorite, “Shoot a Sow”.

It just ain’t right. A guide’s business should be built on reputation and word of mouth, not advertising. Besides, they don’t have the experience or resources I have here. Maybe this board could allow us to specialize in types of hunts and then recognize us by the speciality we choose. You know, Board Certified in Hog Hunting, could be added to any ad that we run, if you qualify. I suppose you’d have to take a test and have a certain number of successful hunts for that type of animal under your belt to become board certified. Then you’d have to have so many continuing hunting education hours and certainly some hours of ethics also. You’d have to get letters of recommendations from other guides that say you are qualified. You’d have to list the last 5 hunts you’ve guided; pay a fee and take a test.

This board would offer courses to teach its guides and they’d be taught by guides that have never been in the wild, but nevertheless have impressive resumes. They’d be graduates from very prestigious hunting universities; they’d have titles after their names a mile long and they would teach theory. They wouldn’t be able to find a trail in the wilderness, but our youngsters would be taught by those who have very impressive titles. I know the public would sleep better at night if this were the case.

There would be mock hunts at these universities for students to impress those instructors who haven’t been in the wild. It would make them think that the students are now ready to be a licensed guide, after the students pay a fee and take a 3 day test. There would be more students who would train to be an instructor of guides, even though they have never been in the wild, much less shot an actual gun. In these prestigious universities, you’d never give the student a real live hunt to guide much less a real bullet, because they might do real damage to some hunter.

The learned professors would teach the guides never to answer questions directly, but to use language that a hunter could never understand; all designed to make them seem smarter than the hunter who is paying for the guided hunt. And there’d be no talk of guarantees, that would result in disguidement. A terrible fate for those guides who dared care about the hunter. Your guide license would be taken from you for at least 5 years. Oh sure, we’d have hearings before they could take your guide license, but it would be run by those professors who never hunted before.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are a few guides I’d trust with my own life, “Eagle Eye Jim” or “Sure Shot Sam” are 2 of the best in the country. They hunt, they guide and they stress safety above all. These fellows never went to some fancy hunting university and the first question they’d ask of these “professors” would likely show that the “professors” don’t know crap about outfitting. These 2 guides can’t or won’t speak the “guidease” that the “professors” speak, but I’ll follow them over any “professor” and I’d be guaranteed a shot. I’d even actually learn something about myself and hunting. I have trained under them after guide school and most of the things they taught me were never mentioned in “guide school university”.  I promise I’m a much better guide than those “professors” with impressive titles. These fellows taught me to care about the hunter more than the fees.

Now just because you’re board certified in hunting, doesn’t mean you’ll get an animal, it just means you’ve taken a test and had at least 5 hunts under your skin. Ask these guides, when was the last hunt you went on that your client bagged an animal. If he or she can’t or won’t answer that question directly or you can’t understand them, go immediately to another guide.

Anyway, enough reform for today. Remember that your lawyer may have an impressive title and still not know how to try a case or relate to a jury. I’ll take a country lawyer over them any day. Hope you all have a nice day, I’m off to visit clients.


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